A Little Blurb on Kindness

I just had a few encounters with people this week that made me realize just how much I appreciate kindness. Whether I’m being invited over to someone’s house or included in a group activity, I find that even the simplest acts of kindness give me an odd sense of relief. Gratitude is a large part of that feeling, but it’s true that I am relieved, relieved that whoever is being kind to me cares about me and isn’t trying to bring me harm. That may sound ridiculous, but the truth of the matter is that I grew up with a lot of people who weren’t kind to me and sometimes went out of their way just to be mean to me. I wasn’t usually the popular girl in school; I was dorky, awkward, and not always interested in the same things as everyone else. I tended to alienate myself without even trying. Most kids didn’t appreciate my differences, so they would exclude me from their social groups, sometimes very blatantly. I had a few friends throughout my life, and good ones, too, but I developed negative expectations of people that I didn’t know very well. After all, it only takes a little rejection to deeply hurt someone and a lot more acceptance to make up for it.

Many times I wondered why God let me have it so rough. Was it necessary for a boy to ask me out as a joke while I heard his friends laughing at me? Was it necessary for an older girl on my street to make fun of me and take advantage of my physical weakness? Was it necessary for a group of peers that I idolized to send me an email saying they were letting me go like I was an object? And what of all the unreturned phone calls and guys leading me on? Why did I have to turn into that girl who tends to isolate herself to avoid rejection? I’ve pondered these questions in frustration for years, ever since a girl in my kindergarten class tried to break up my boyfriend and me. I know how despair and loneliness are for companions. The Breakaway podcast I listened to today applied to this situation well; essentially I was in the wilderness, and God had led me there. Do I think that God wanted me to feel pain? No, but after experiencing the kindness of a few certain people these past couple of days, I understand why the heartbreak of the wilderness was good for me. As Ben Stuart said, God will lead us into the wilderness, because “…it’s in the heat of the desert that God forges character.” And that’s exactly what it did for me. It humbled me so much that I can now experience gratitude and relief for the smallest act of kindness, even if all one does is acknowledge my presence. Any microscopic sweetness can make me feel less invisible, less alone, and maybe, after time, make me feel accepted, loved, and treasured.

May you never take kindness for granted; it truly is a precious thing.

[link to the podcast here]

The Halloween Party and All Its Quirks

Halloween is, hands down, my favorite holiday. I love the colors, the tacky gore, the mythology, and the tradition. I even hope to have a haunted, gothic mansion someday for the sole purpose of hosting a fright festival complete with a tour, games, and delectably spooky goodies. For now I have to settle for my tea party-sized gatherings in a little efficiency apartment (which I adore; don’t get me wrong), so I’m utilizing this time to enhance my skills as a party hostess.

I had my Halloween party this past Friday, and as far as the guests could tell, it went very well…which is exactly what I want them to think. However, I was a nervous wreck on the verge of projectile vomiting at times, and eating the smallest bit of anything was out of the question for me, a shame, really, since my cousin (Rachael), BIC (Brother-In-Christ, John), and I had been in the kitchen all day preparing the snacks I had been eager to taste all month. Did I bring this on myself? Yes. As it turns out, even I, the girl who’s been throwing themed parties since she was ten, have a few things left to learn about being a hostess and event planner.

Numero Uno: For one thing, I did not get enough sleep the night before. I foolishly thought I’d have time for a nap before the party started, but I never should have counted on it. I knew I’d be cooking and baking for a long time, and any contingency time I had would likely go toward correcting a mistake or making an extra trip to the grocery store.

Numero Dos: Also, I overdid the menu. I know it’s better to have too much versus too little, but I had too too much. I could have easily cut two dishes, maybe even three. I had a “bug preserve” Jell-O that didn’t even get touched, and I ended up throwing out two very full bowls of dip. Part of the reason behind this was that I had some friends who brought food which I didn’t account for in my menu. What I should have done was planned two “centerpiece” food items, thus allowing guests to bring food, cutting down on my time in the kitchen, and reducing my stress level so that I could be a better hostess.

Numero Tres: I chose to have my guests play this one really stupid game, if you can even call it that, instead of whipping out some Halloween trivia. I wanted to have kind of a random chance for points (since points were accumulated throughout the evening in competition for a prize), so for some hare-brained reason, I thought that guessing the number of different types of decorations in my apartment would be a fun way to do it. When my guests started asking questions about which things I’d counted, I realized I didn’t know how I wanted to answer them; I had thought that my hints written on their cards would be enough to help them. When I got the cards back and saw that no one paid attention to the hints due to their confusion and my evasive answers, I chose to “X” that game off of next year’s list. Trivia would have been a much more fun replacement, and in the end, I ran out of time for it and didn’t get to do it at all.

Numero Cuatro: I forgot about the costume contest. One of my guests mentioned it, and since I had not anticipated the time I would have wanted for it, I only had them cast ballots. I wish I’d had the presence of mind (which I might’ve had if I’d gotten enough sleep…) to turn it into a fashion show or something like that in which the guests got to explain their costumes first.

Numero Cinco: I waited until the end of the evening to start taking pictures. I was lucky that the people-related ones turned out well, but the food was so sad-looking by then that it wasn’t worth taking pictures of it…with the exception of the Broken Glass Cupcakes.

Now, I’m not completely dogging myself here; I actually do have some things to be proud of, too. I sent out the invites early which resulted in a high turnout of 56.25% (normally, you tend to get about 30% at best), had a majority of the decorations put up by the first weekend of the month, had the menu and game list set over a week in advance, picked a variety of games which the guests seemed to enjoy, and got my guests to talk to people they’d never met. Overall, I’d say the party was a success; my friends had fun, and that’s the most crucial detail. I just want to make sure I remember to correct my mistakes for next year so that perhaps I can enjoy the party, too.

Happy Halloween, everybody!

[I realize that this is one of my more boring blog posts, but this one’s mostly for me to use as a reference. If you read the whole thing, I commend you. Would you like a bag of Skittles? Seriously, I’m looking for someone to throw some at; I have too many and don’t even like them all that much.]

Things I Wish Girls Would Do More Often

Number One: Be really good at or knowledgeable about something.
Believe it or not, women are not just baby-makers. We actually have this thing in our heads called a brain, and we even have the ability to think our own thoughts with it. Despite the fact that females have had the right to vote, attend school, and wear pants for a while now, I see an awful lot of them using little more than the most basic motor functions of their brains. You know what kind of girls I’m talking about: the kind who are ditzy, slutty, and useless for anything more than sex (and emptying a willing victim’s wallet). Girls like these are the reason male chauvinism and sexual oppression still exist in our society today, because they have taught men that women do not deserve respect. If you want respect, you have to earn it. You can’t just be out drinking and making out with random people in your Daisy Duke’s and bra-top and expect a guy to treat you like a lady. You have to value yourself enough to make yourself valuable. A way to do that is to be good at or knowledgeable about something. This is not the end-all, be-all, but it’s a significant first step. Find a sport, a game, or some other niche where you have the smallest amount of potential, and devote time to it: practicing, scrimmaging, studying, honing. Practice may not make perfect, but dedication yields results, small successes that you’ll be proud of. Then you won’t just be a woman anymore; you’ll be the woman who placed third in the 5K, the woman who knows the most interesting things about genetics, or even the woman who bakes the best homemade cherry pie. It won’t matter what you do, but you should be good at something; it’ll give you something interesting to say about yourself in a conversation.

Number Two: Be honest.
A lot of girls like to sugarcoat things or flat-out lie altogether to make it seem like their life is relatively controlled and going according to plan. Granted, you are allowed to keep some secrets, but sometimes I’d like to know I’m not the only one struggling. I actually find it comforting to hear girls say that they don’t know what they’re doing with their lives or that they don’t have any idea how they’re going to get all of that studying done before their tests. I’m already in a panic when I don’t have it all under control, and when I hear girls that sound like they’re always on top of things, it makes me panic even more. I end up wondering what’s so wrong with me that I can’t be cool and confident just like everybody else, and it makes me not want to voice my problems which may quell the fears of another girl who feels the same way. Sharing really is caring, so please share some honesty with the rest of us; we may be able to comfort each other that way.

Number Three: Vocalize.
I hate that girls are known for the line, “Nothing, I’m fine.” We all know that “fine” does not mean “fine”. In fact, my mom’s best friend, Nancy, taught me what F-I-N-E really means: eFfed-up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. What I don’t understand is why we would think that silence could ever solve a problem. Isn’t it a well-known fact that the first step to working through a problem is acknowledging its existence? If someone is willing to hear your answer when they ask what’s wrong, even if they’re the person you’re mad at, you may as well approach the floor that has been yielded to you.

Number Four (only applies to college-age plus): Do something that makes them feel sexy.
Women put a lot of pressure on themselves to be perfect, and we’re very sensitive to the tiniest of quips and criticisms. A lot of us, even the models we tend to hate for the standards they inadvertently set for us, struggle to have a good self-esteem. This is why it is so important (for the older, non-kid ones of us) to do something a little risqué once in a while to remind ourselves of our inner goddess. What makes a woman sexy is her personality, not necessarily her looks (though a little makeup can certainly help). When you’re beating yourself up instead of accepting compliments, for example, you don’t come across as very sexy, even if you’re drop-dead gorgeous. Humility is certainly an attractive quality (which I’ll touch on a little later), but you can have confidence as your sex-appeal without having to discard that. In fact, confidence without humility is arrogance, which is very unattractive. But how do you obtain confidence if it’s not something you have naturally? This is when you need to actually do something about it. Things that can make you feel sexy range from wearing a more daring outfit than normal to taking a dance class, and yes, I am talking about classes such as belly dancing or even pole dancing. A lot of Christian girls would admonish me for making such a statement, but here’s the kicker: only do these things for you (and if you're of proper age...if you're in high school, you're still too young to try to be sexy). Don’t take a class or dress yourself with the intention of making other people notice you. Make it a private thing, if possible, and if someone asks you a question about what it is you’ve been up to every week, you can choose whether or not to answer depending on how appropriate you think it would be for people to know. Doing something sexy is all for you, to boost your confidence from the simple fact that you know your inner goddess and what she’s capable of. And for those of you who are deathly afraid of jumping into something like what I’ve suggested, here’s a way you can “test the waters”: wear confidence panties. I’m dead serious; go to Victoria’s Secret, buy the panties with frills and lace, and wear them in such a way that they’re concealed from the world, your little frilly, lacey secret. How does this work? Because you know something they don’t know…like the color and constitution of your underwear.

Number Five: Stop fishing for compliments.
I mentioned before that arrogance is unattractive; so is false modesty. I hate hate HATE it when girls say something negative about themselves for the purpose of prompting someone else to remedy the false statement and make the girl feel better about herself. This, in case you didn’t pick up on it, is called, “fishing for compliments”. It is stupid and petty, and if this is what you think you need to do to feel better about yourself, you obviously did not pay attention to #4. Examples of fishing for compliments include comments such as: “I’m fat,” “My makeup looks terrible,” and “Ugh, I’m so stupid!” But just imagine if you said one of these things about yourself…and no one said anything back to you. Boy, wouldn’t that be awkward! Or what’s even worse is if, for example, you made a B on a test, called yourself stupid, and your friend that you’re talking to made a D. Or an F. Or a Z. Then you’re just being rude and insulting. You know what would make you stupid, though? Fishing for compliments. Stop it.

Number Six: Stop giving in to their friends who are fishing for compliments.
Going along with #5, I encourage you to be that person that makes the compliment-fishing situation awkward. When your friends insult themselves, just let it be…so that they can insult themselves. Even if the statement about them is true, you shouldn’t feel obligated to lie to them to make them feel better about themselves. If they’re throwing a pity-party, show them you’re not going to attend. For example, if you have a friend who is overweight and she complains she’s fat, just give her silence as her pity-party present. After all, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothin’ at all, right?

Number Seven: Eat something.
Even if you’re overweight, starving yourself in public is ridiculous. Unless you’re just skin and bones, people are going to know you eat something, so there’s no reason to be self-conscious that someone might think you can’t run solely on solar energy. Granted, there is a certain decorum you should have when eating in front of other people (scarfing down a bucket of messy handheld foods should probably be saved for private times at the home), but don’t get only a salad unless the place you are at is world-famous for their selection of leafy greens, fresh veggies, and homemade dressings…and their salads actually look more substantial than rabbit food. Now here’s where I get personal; I’ve always been self-conscious about eating in front of other people, for so long that I’ve gotten to the point where I actually feel like I’m choking if I try to eat at my normal pace (except in the case of dessert; nothing can stop me then). I usually end up taking my leftovers home and downing the whole box in a handful of minutes. Don’t be like me, the presumably solar-powered, food-allergic being. Learn to eat out before your esophagus can develop a nervous mind of its own.

Number Eight: Save the drama for mama.
If we’re friends, I can understand why you would want to talk to me about your problems. However, when you repeat the same story over and over again for weeks or months on end every time we see each other, it’s going to get hard to listen to you with a straight face (and without punching yours). If you have an issue that, for the moment, seems to be permanently pressing, you need to take your venting sequels elsewhere, preferably to someone older and wiser who has already endured your current phase in life (and probably someone who has a uterus; that organ of ours is notorious for dictating our thought process), such as your mother, mentor, or counselor. I believe that friends are supposed to be there for each other through good and bad times, but if we offer our advice and you’re just going in circles, true wisdom may not be something you can obtain from your peers. Besides that, nobody wants a friend who always drags them down. Sometimes you just need to vent to heal, but please have mercy on your friends by going to someone who’s already signed themselves up for dealing with other people’s problems.

Number Nine: Keep themselves clean. Girls can be really gross. Girls can be really clean, too, but here are some things I would have liked to have said to some girls I smelled. First of all, you need to wear deodorant every day. Cover the whole armpit, and when you’re done with that, put deodorant in any other place where skin folds over skin. I’m talking butt cheeks, inner thighs, muffin tops, and fat rolls. When skin is on skin, it is going to sweat a lot, and when you sweat, bacteria feast on that sweat and release smelly waste that you know as BO. I cannot count the number of times I’ve gone to give a girl a hug and gagged when the skin moved off of skin and released a nasty wave of unpleasantness. Seriously, it’s not that difficult or expensive. Wear deodorant. Next up, clean your mouth. Brushing your teeth is not limited to the hard, white/yellow/silver things in there; you can scrub toothpaste all over your tongue (don’t gag yourself), the roof of your mouth, the insides of your cheeks, and right behind your lips. Those are warm, moist regions where food and bacteria have made contact, so they need to be cleaned on a daily, if not bi-daily, basis. Throughout the day, you need to keep sugar-free gum, sugar-free mints, or mouthwash on your person and use them after consuming anything besides water. I’ve had friends who I couldn’t even look at when they talked, because their breath smelled so bad. It’s repulsive when you have your own swampy smog creeping through your words, so for every listener’s sake, clean your mouth. As for other hygiene, you need to be washing all of the following things: your body (especially after spending time outside or working out), your hair (when the roots start to get oily), your hands (after touching something you wouldn’t want to eat, eating something messy, or licking your fingers), your lady parts (every time you get in the shower, and use baby wipes intermittently throughout the day, especially while on your period!), your face (daily, and I shouldn’t be able to see a reflection of myself in your shiny forehead), and your feet (after they’ve been stuffed in tennis shoes all day). Also, pop your pimples (zits can stare, and it’s gross), wipe away eye crusties and hanging boogers, change your underwear, clothes, and tampons/pads/liners regularly, and clean out your ears. You are a living being whose biochemical processes never cease, therefore you are constantly accumulating toxic waste all over and throughout you which needs to be dealt with. In other words, CLEAN YOURSELF IF YOU WANT TO HAVE FRIENDS (who aren’t hobos).

I think it’s safe to say I’ve made my frustrations with girls clear, however, I feel obligated to admit that I have violated these guidelines myself, multiple times. Sometimes we’re going to feel really crappy about ourselves and fish for a compliment or two, or we’re going to forget to brush our teeth on a hectic morning. Or some of y’all out there won’t care what I think, and you’ll keep doing your own thing. I’m merely venting and hoping that somehow one blog post will make girls think about making life choices that are better, in my opinion. If you don’t like my advice, it’s fine…and we all know what that means.

The Scoop on the Summer of 2013

I fell off the face of the earth for a year.

It’s not that I didn’t have anything to write about, though. I was getting beaten mercilessly by my organic chemistry classes, and I seriously considered switching majors to something completely opposite…like communication. Me, the introvert, who does something along the lines of hissing at people who invade my personal space. However, I stuck it out and am now a junior, still studying biomedical sciences.

I can say, quite happily, that my motivation is renewed after this past summer. I went back to Fort Worth to live with my mom, get my physics courses out of the way, and get a job at A-Animal Clinic. There, they trained me to be a veterinary technician, or an animal nurse (for those of you not familiar with animal medicine terminology), so I was taking dogs’ vitals, staining cytologies, obtaining pain management scores from post-op patients, and doing just about any other thing that didn’t require senior technician experience. It was a fast-paced job that kept me on my feet the whole time, but the busier I was, the more useful I felt I was. Anyone who knows me well understands that when I’m useful, I’m happy, so I found working at the clinic to my liking as long as there was always something going on. Quiet days drove me crazy, reason being that I’m ADD and OCD at the same time, meaning that I need to be busy constantly with a variety of tasks, and when I’m working on one task, I’m solely focused on that since I cannot multi-task. Essentially what I’m saying is that my personality disorders make me an ideal candidate for that kind of job. However, I also realized I need a variety of experience, so I’m going to try to get my foot in the doors of large-animal and emergency facilities, which I hope the Pre-Vet Society will help me do.

Before I get too off-topic from veterinary things, I remember that I made a very sentimental thank-you note in my last blog about vet work to the people who hired me and worked with me, so I want to do something similar now. First of all, I worked with five amazing doctors, all of whom were graduates of A&M (whoop!): Dr. Spikes (owner of the practice), Dr. McCorkle, Dr. Pugliano, Dr. Buchanan, and Dr. McBroom. I did not work very much with Dr. McBroom since she worked on Wednesday's (when I usually was not in), but the few times I did see her, I remember she was very kind. Dr. Buchanan was probably the most gentle and sympathetic of all the doctors when it came to handling patients, so I could understand how owners who were overly concerned about the treatment of their pets would prefer her. Dr. Pugliano was the most serious and most efficient of all the doctors, and I had the privilege of observing some of the surgeries she performed. Dr. McCorkle was the comical one who many technicians were at ease around, and he was also the best about explaining what he was doing. I actually preferred working with him (and got to observe many of his dentals), because I was never afraid of asking too many questions. As for Dr. Spikes, she has my highest respect, because she managed to achieve my dream of owning a practice. She and her husband (who heads up the clinic’s finances) bought A-Animal Clinic from a retiring vet, fixed the place up, and got it running smoothly enough that Dr. Spikes no longer has to work there all the time. In fact, mid-summer, she took a sabbatical so that she could be with her kids at home. Obviously she worked very hard to make this possible, and I always admire people with successful ambitions. Also I feel I should add that she was very kind to me and answered my questions fully and without frustration. In addition to the doctors, I have to explicitly mention one other person: Sherry, who was in charge of the kennels. I was very intimidated when I first met her, but my impression of her then was wrong. She’s actually the person I saw many upset vet techs talk to when they were having a bad day, and I learned that along with her caring side, she wanted people to learn how to do things properly for the benefit of the animal being handled. She worked one-on-one with me on a few occasions and made sure I got experience in medical practices I was not familiar with. To all of these people as well as my other coworkers, I extend my sincere thanks for the opportunity to learn from them…and perhaps an apology for being annoying and slow at times (What can I say? I’m half blonde.).

It’s hard to believe that I’m back in CStat already and that it’s the end of the third week of the fall semester. However, I’m looking forward to the duration of my classes, especially microbiology and biochemistry, and I’ve joined two clubs which will give me both skills and an escape from the college routine which all too quickly can become mundane. One club, which I mentioned previously, is the Pre-Vet Society, and they offer many volunteer trips and social events. I’ve already been on one volunteer trip to Haven for Humans and Horses, an up-and-coming therapeutic riding center run by a sweet, older woman who has 19 horses she wants us to socialize with and train so that one day they’ll be able to handle being around a bunch of kids with mental and/or physical handicaps. The other club I joined is one that may come as a shock to people who haven’t known me for very many years, and that is the TAMU Belly Dance Association. Believe it or not, I’ve been interested in belly dancing ever since I first saw a performance in ninth grade (while I was living in Saudi Arabia), but I didn’t have the guts to become involved with it until this past summer when I practiced to a workout DVD. This association has performances on occasion, and yes, I do plan to be a part of these.

In the meantime, be on the lookout for more posts, as I do plan to be active again. This blog’s purpose will more or less stay the same with the idea of sharing my life experiences and all two decades’ worth of my accumulated wisdom, but the tone of it will be more honest and less sappy. Let’s face it; I don’t really feel like I’m riding on a cloud (or however that expression goes) about anything except Halloween. At best, I feel content, at worst, irritated. So brace yourselves, y’all; I’m about to get sassy.

Homeward Bound

Summer is a neverending season in Texas. The sun blinds the days with immense heat, and boredom and anxiety tend to become my close-yet-unwanted companions. This summer I wanted nothing more than to be back in College Station, but I knew that waiting for my move-in day would take forever. Thus, I got to work.

After applying at about ten places near my mom's house and getting called for only two interviews, I accepted a job at Dunkin Donuts with a goal of saving up money for things I'd need for the duplex. It didn't take more than a week before my manager got word that I was a hard worker, and as a result, she rewarded me with more hours than most of the employees there. I was fine with that since I always had Sunday's plus another day off each week, but my schedule was about to be slammed weeks later after I was offered a job at All Creatures Animal Hospital in Granbury.

My mom doesn't live in Granbury, so when I was offered this job, I decided I'd only work there half a week, staying at my aunt and uncle's house, then I would work at Dunkin the other half of the week so I could spend time with her. Well both workplaces wanted to give me as many hours as they could given my limitations, so next thing I knew, I was working 56-hour weeks, or two 11-hour days at the vet clinic and four night shifts at Dunkin.

I don't know how I did it, but I am certainly glad for the experience (and money) that came from it. At Dunkin, I befriended a few coworkers who served as a great support group for me and boosted my confidence in myself. And at the vet clinic, gosh, the things I learned there were so valuable. I watched as many surgeries, dentals, and other procedures as I could. They had me making and giving shots, staining and viewing slides under the microscope, and caring for patients before and after surgery. Of course there were the more menial chores, too, such as laundering kennel blankets and surgical towels, sweeping and mopping, and walking, feeding, and medicating dogs and cats multiple times a day, but those tasks didn't bother me much at all. I felt a sense of accomplishment when I was working there, sampling the career I intend to pursue. Each task I completed was crucial to the operation of a veterinary facility, and I sincerely thank Dr. Marczak for giving me such an amazing opportunity to discover the real reason I'm in college at Texas A&M, working harder than I've ever worked before to achieve a biomedical sciences degree. The list of "thank-you's" could go on and on, to Dr. Inman for challenging me to use my brain, to Dr. Cox for her kindness, and really just a big thanks to everyone I worked with for their patience and their willingness to work with me to make my short time there worthwhile.

By the conclusion of the summer, not only had I worked enough to save up far more money than I originally anticipated, but I had posted a few videos on YouTube as well. Not a single one of them was one of the projects I had planned, but they do give a little insight to my family life. I still intend to make blog-related videos that are more professional, though, so hold tight.

Now if you're a student at Texas A&M, you've probably already attended the first meeting of all of your classes and set some goals for yourself. I set some goals, too, one of which is to read ahead for my classes and another of which is to take more road trips than I did last year. Road trips? What does that have to do with studying for BIMS? Not much, but I do know that whenever I have a fair amount of social activities scheduled, I study more efficiently. Anyway, yesterday I got a chance to pursue said goal when my small group leader, Ashley, texted me that she was going to Austin for an artsy night out. I immediately said yes and even cooked dinner early for my roommates so that I could be at her house on time. She, Sarah, and I cranked up the music in her car and set off for Kenny's Coffee Shop. A bunch of people that I had met over the course of my prison ministry trips were there, so I caught up with them and met a bunch of their friends. Local musicians were putting on a good show for us, and artists were busy drawing. I saw a girl named Crystal produce several oil pastel portraits that night, and I introduced a notebook doodler, Audrey, to the art of zentangling, which she began experimenting with enthusiastically. I thought the best part of the night was over once we left the coffee shop and paid a brief visit to Jordan's (Ashely's best friend) apartment, but I was wrong.

Ashley was starving and needed food fast, so we stopped at the Sonic across the street. I thought some cheese sticks and ice cream sounded good, and Sarah turned out to be a little hungry herself. We chatted with the waittress who served us, and a lady, who we assumed to be giving the waittress a ride home, showed up. We began talking to this lady, a beautiful twenty-year-old named Nikki, and our waittress went inside to begin her closing duties. Nikki turned out not to be there for her after all. In fact, I'm not entirely sure what brought her to us considering she was parked so far away, but as we talked with her she revealed her heartbreaking story, that her ex-boyfriend had taken everything she owned including her life savings. She is now living in her car with her current boyfriend, and she has two kids she's worried about caring for. She showed us the spots on her arms from donating plasma for money, and she said she was looking into a job waittressing at a strip club so that she could get a place to live. Ashley asked her what she knew about Jesus, and Nikki said she knew the basics but that she never read the Bible. She believes that Jesus is real, but we could tell she didn't have a personal relationship with Him.

We knew there was only a little we could do for her since we were heading back to College Station, so Sarah offered to buy her food. By then, Sonic had closed, so I picked up my untouched bag of cheese sticks and gave it to her. Ashley even offered up what was left of her burger, and the girl took it, graciously saving half of it for her boyfriend. Sarah prayed over her, and Ashely told her about a Bible study for the homeless at Wells Branch Community Church, where they would give her food and where she could meet our other I Am Second members who will pray over her and help her with her basic needs. Ashely made plans to go back to Austin tomorrow to meet up with Nikki for lunch, and we all hugged her goodbye before making the drive back home.

Needless to say, college has gotten off to a really good start, and I hope that in future blog posts I'll be able to report on Nikki's progress. In the meantime, she could use all of your prayers, so please pray that she decides to accept Jesus into her heart and that He will ease her heartbreak and help her support her family.

Lockhart: Puppies & Chow

On April 28th, I went on my fourth prison ministry trip to Lockhart near Austin, TX. Lockhart has a special program available to a certain pod of their work program facility called Paws In Prison in which prisoners are assigned a rescued dog to train for a certain period of time before they are adopted out. Training isn't limited to standard house training, however, as one dog, Sandy, was very willing to demonstrate. She knew four tricks very well (sit, shake, lie down, and give kisses), and she would perform them on a random loop before you ever gave her a command. Then there was Shiloh, a dog whose training extended to curing her of what must have been a brutal past. She had learned to trust the prisoners, but she was extremely shy around anyone wearing different clothing. A couple times her trainer encouraged her to get closer to me as I knelt down and avoided eye contact. It took a while, but eventually she bumped me with her nose which was as much contact as she was willing to give that day.

The ladies in that pod told me they found the program to be very therapeutic, and it helped them to pass the time a little faster. Also they felt a sense of accomplishment whenever they received a certificate of completion for a dog's training, and a couple of them saw potential careers doing that. I was very glad to get the chance to see such a program firsthand and to hear from the participants themselves about the effects. I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up getting involved sometime in the future, whether I was raising funds or working at one of the cooperating shelters.

Another thing about Lockhart that especially intrigued me was the idea of prison cooking. The ladies had access to a water pot of some sort, and they would save up certain ingredients from their meals to make something a little tastier. The strange recipe I remember is for Chinese Food which consists of beef Ramen, coleslaw, instant coffee, and Sweet & Low. They cook the noodles in water first to soften them, and then they mix all the stuff together in a plastic bag (including the beef packet from the Ramen). They heat the bag in the water pot, and--tada!--you apparently have something that tastes like Chinese food. I didn't actually get to taste it (we had a no-gift policy to follow), but if I somehow get stuck with nasty coleslaw, now I know how to use it.

There are other recipes as well, the most popular being a cake made out of sandwich cookies and soda. Just type in "prison cooking" into Google search, and you'll be amazed what you'll find. I'm just saying...prisoners have gotten extremely creative. Plus if you have kids or will be babysitting in the near future, the recipes are easy enough to make with them; some of the ladies I talked to told me they definitely planned to teach these to their kids when they got home.

Aside from prison ministry, all of the I Am Second members that went to Austin that weekend attended Chris Plekenpol's (he's one of our Seconds) church, Wells Branch Community Church. Chris gave a very powerful sermon about reaching out to nonbelievers, a good portion of which displayed the comedy of his very animated personality. The band "Shades of Gray" played for us (they had at prison ministry, too), and I got a chance to meet their bass player, Steve, before the service. Steve is a very nice person, and everyone should talk to him. :)

All in all, prison ministry was (once again) fantastic. Although it was the weekend before finals, I can't say I regret going. And to Nicole, a girl I took under my wing this trip, I say I expect to see you at the very next trip we go on during the fall semester, so be ready to lead!

One last thing I want to mention before I close out is that now that it's summer for me, I plan to work on a couple of my personal video projects for this blog, so get excited! Remember that you can find me on YouTube here. Right now, there're one speech and six videos of me singing, but the videos I'm working on will be different, more on the inspirational side and less on the vocal indecisiveness side.

Anyway, enjoy summer, y'all! It only happens once a year!

Preoccupational Hazard

"When I am anxious, it is because I am living in the future. When I am depressed, it is because I am living in the past." -Jimmy R

I saw this quote about a week ago and was immediately struck by its truth. A similar verse, which I had read in my devotional not too long before, exists in the Bible from Matthew 6:34, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

The idea to be taken from both of these statements is that we need to live in the present, but often our human tendency is to dwell on things of the past or constantly worry about things of the future. When we do this, it is impossible to be truly happy. For one thing, the past is behind us, and we should leave it there. There is no such thing as a time machine that would allow us to go back and correct our mistakes or take back the things we said and wish we didn't. When we ruminate on all the what-ifs, we are setting ourselves up for failure, because we are dreaming of fixing situations that are impossible to fix since they exist in an unchangeable time. And when we know failure is inevitable, we become hopeless and depressed. As for the future, if we spend all our time imagining the outcomes of situations or avoiding the thought of them altogether, our present bodies will draw nearer to the future without utilizing the present to prepare ourselves. At some point we'll realize that the future we fear or anticipate is closer, and a sense of panic will arise within us. We will become anxious, because we're not using our time wisely and instead are feeling more and more unprepared as we're forced closer to having to deal with our situation.

This past/future dilemma becomes even more complex when you consider that one can live in a limbo between the two without ever living in the present. Just because someone spends equally as much time thinking about the past as he/she does on the future doesn't mean past and future average out and the person ends up living in the present. The math here is simply addition, and when you add depression (from the past) to anxiety (from the future) you get a depressed and anxious person. Not an ideal combination, nor is living in the present whilst living in either the past or future also. We are meant to live in the present alone. That is not to say that we shouldn't reflect on fond memories or learn from past mistakes, or that we shouldn't take steps to prepare for our future, but rather that we shouldn't let ourselves be consumed with destructive thoughts of the past and future, thoughts that bring us down or distract us from using the time we have to progress.

Living in the present is challenging, and it requires a conscious effort. Our minds will always be drifting to different time periods; we just have to stop ourselves, shake the thought, and focus on our current tasks. It's much easier said than done, of course, but if you have willpower, you can manage it. Whenever my mind drifts and I catch myself, I make myself talk to God instead. I tell Him, "Look, this is what's bothering me," and after I pour my heart out to Him, I actively search for blessings He has placed in my life and thank Him for those. The idea is to change my focus to something positive so that I can calm myself down and cheer myself up. That's just one way of living in the present. Other ways to do that are just to enjoy times that you're out with your friends or doing something you love...or studying ahead of time to prepare yourself for that test coming up. Use the present, and don't waste it. Life is a gift from God, but it is also a series of tests. We have to learn to appreciate our blessings during our trials and to live where God is with us, in the present. After all, life is indefinite, and we cannot boast of tomorrow. So why live where we can't fix things or where we can't guarantee what the next day brings us?

So the next time you find yourself preoccupied with the time periods that only God has the power to work on or change, either count your blessings or get back to work.