Singles' Awareness

Valentine's Day has been creeping up on me like a deadline. Of course, I've always known it as Singles' Awareness Day, the acronym of which paints a very grim picture and serves as fodder for a lesser known holiday: Desperation Day. I didn't know about this particular holiday until I heard it mentioned on an episode of How I Met Your Mother. Basically it's a theory that every February thirteenth, women become exceptionally desperate to find a date for Valentine's Day. It makes perfect sense to me. After all, it was on February thirteenth one year that I gave up my first kiss to an absolute blockhead who told me the very next day (why yes, Valentine's Day) that he didn't want a relationship. But believe me when I say it was the best Valentine present I could've ever received. You see, I learned a very important lesson that day, one that I cling to even now: you should never settle for less when it comes to relationships.

Here are a few reasons that I can think of as to why people settle for less:

They think they're not good enough to deserve a decent guy/girl.

They're not used to being single.

They're rebounding.

They've been single for a long time...a very long time.

Their hormones are screaming.

They really just don't care who they date.

They're jealous of their friends who are dating.

The guy/girl of interest is popular.

They don't remember or know what it feels like to have a serious crush on someone.

I will tell you right now that five of those nine items applied to me a couple years ago, and three of those five still apply to me. My point is that I believe that most of us singles fall under a couple of these categories and therefore regularly face the temptation of a quick-fix relationship, and I use the word "fix" in reference to a drug fix. That's because a relationship with someone you don't really like can give you some of the hormones that make you happy, but in time, they will have damaging effects, just like a drug. I don't even feel the need to explain some of these effects after I list them off, because some of y'all already know: hurt, guilt, shame, disgust. And the list goes on.

The tough part is to avoid the temptation every time it's thrown at you. After all, there are a few steps you need to take to strengthen yourself first before you'll be able to have that kind of resolve.

1.) Know that you deserve love. In other words, don't devalue yourself. You are a unique individual with your own quirks, and someone in this world of over 6.8 billion people is bound to embrace your strengths and accept your weaknesses. Also no one is too ugly to be loved. Ever see The Hunchback of Notre Dame 2? Even Quasimodo, whose name means "almost-monster", found love. Too fairytalish? Go to a puppy store, and play with a Chinese Crescent. It's a seriously ugly dog, but it loves unconditionally. Before you know it, you'll be head over heels for it, and you'll realize that all you have to do is love unconditionally to be loved in return.

2.) Mentally establish your boundaries. What things will you not tolerate? Automatically you should think of physical abuse (slapping, beating, etc.), but also there are smaller things such as, "Am I okay with my boyfriend/girlfriend being alone with someone of the opposite gender?" or "How far can our physical contact go?" To make it simple, break your questions down into yes/no questions, that way you'll know that if you can't really decide how you feel, your answer is probably that you're not comfortable with it.

3.) Set your standards high. Don't be unrealistic, but don't decide last minute that you'll just be okay with certain traits that will drive you crazy over time. For example, will it bug you that this person smacks when he/she eats? Will this person not appreciate your favorite hobby? Also at minimum you should expect to be respected. Remember those boundaries you established? If the person you're considering dating would dare to push those boundaries, you need to exclude them from your list of...candidates. When people push against your boundaries, sometimes you get weak, because you want to please this person (a natural quality of any relationship). This is dangerous, because suddenly you will be tempted to compromise your morals. I like the example of two oxen pulling a cart. You represent an ox pulling toward your morals, and the pushy person you're dating represents the other ox pulling the opposite way. Over time, the pusher ox gets stronger and you get weaker, and the stronger one determines the direction you both go.

4.) Get a hobby. Stay busy. I would tell you not to be jealous of people in relationships (if that's your particular dilemma), but that's much easier said than done. Also I find that when you focus on not being jealous, it only makes you more jealous. So stay busy. Get a job that keeps you moving. Work out a couple times a week. Join a club. And when you somehow have free time, do your homework, study, text/call your friends, etc. The reason I emphasize this is because of my own personal experience in high school. Whenever I had that time to just sit and think, my hormones quickly did the thinking for me, and all they said was "boyfriend". And when my mind was circling around that all the time, I found myself considering lowering my standards to improve my chances of finding someone to date which, as I said before, is dangerous. And now that I'm in college with so many places to be and things to do, being single is a lot easier, because I don't have time to think about it. Now remember that this is just my suggestion based on my own life, so if you disagree, cool. Go ahead and meditate if that's what works for you.

5.) Lock yourself in your room alone on Desperation Day (JK LOL and stuff), and celebrate Valentine's Day anyway. Spend time with your friends, and enjoy that kind of love for a day. Buy the giant, poofy, heart-shaped box of chocolates, and share them. Pick up some of those cheesy, elementary-school Valentine sets, and hand them out. Or for the more masculine bunch out there, go paintballing or hunting or whatever it is guys like to do. That way when your dating friends ask you what you did for Valentine's Day, you have something to say besides, "I pitied myself the whole day. Woe is me."

Well, that's all I've got for you! You single people are real troopers; just remember to keep your heads up and screwed on properly. I just ask that you let me know (single or taken) what you think about this blog by checking a reaction box below.

Have a wonderful Valentine's Day!

To see the video of me giving this blog as a speech, go here.

We Are Second

Last weekend was one of the greatest weekends of my life. I was at the We Are Second conference in Plano, TX with a few friends from my small group. I'd already been on a prison ministry trip with them last November, so I knew Sunday (our prison ministry day of that weekend) would be fun. But I had no idea what to expect when it came to the conference, where tons of people from I Am Second were gathered.

Basically, the purpose of this conference was to prepare ourselves for leadership, whether we were intending to start small groups of our own or step up in ministry, but in reality, a majority of our time was dedicated to listening to people talk, Seconds in particular. In case you don't know what a Second is, it's a person who has a powerful (and often miraculous) testimony about their faith in Christ that they shared as a video with I Am Second. Although that's what made them a Second, the ones at the conference didn't necessarily share their testimonies, but rather parts of it plus information about their lives today. Sounds boring to some of you, I know, but here's where the fun part was: during our conference breaks, we'd get to have our "I Am Second" books (that they'd given us in our "swag bags") signed, and we'd have a few moments to talk with the people who were signing. At one point, I was talking with Karen Green, a woman who had her first child at the age of thirteen and turned to prostitution to support herself and her child; after she turned herself in to be arrested, she eventually gave her life to God and started Haven of Hope in Dallas, a nonprofit rehab for prostitutes. I told her I considered myself to be a testimony in progress, because even though I'm a far better Christian now than I ever was, I'm not one hundred percent where I want to be. And do you know what that sweet woman said to me? She said, "Let me hug you," and by golly, that was the best dang hug I've ever had.

Even before I'd met Karen Green, I had heard Bailee Madison speak. Keep in mind that Bailee is currently twelve years old, and she became a Second when she was eight. She is incredibly poised for her age, and that is possibly a result of her acting career. According to Wikipedia, she's most famous for her role as May Belle Aarons in Bridge to Terabithia, but she had her first (unless I read the chart wrong) lead role in Don't Be Afraid of the Dark. I have banned myself from horror films due to their lasting effects on me (seriously, The Ring traumatized me for months), but I'm considering lifting the ban for this one movie. Or maybe I'll just watch the trailer...we'll see. Anyway, I got to meet Bailee, get her autograph, and take a picture with her, and despite how many people had already seen and were still in line to see her, she was humble enough to talk with me and all of us other "average people".

There were other celebrities at the conference as well such as Brian Sumner (pro skateboarder), Michelle Aguilar (winner of The Biggest Loser in 2008 and author of Be Fearless), the Newsboys (a Christian band; Duncan Phillips fist-bumped me because he thought my handshake was awesome), and Brian Welch (former guitarist and co-founder of Korn). Sadly I did not get to meet Brian Welch, but I did get to hear his full testimony, which is pretty incredible. Also I saw some familiar faces, namely Duche Bradley, a big teddy bear of a guy who used to be a bodyguard for Jennifer Lopez. He gives amazing hugs, and he has the most beautiful, legible signature I've ever seen. Seriously, the "D" in his name makes the Disney "D" jealous. Just look at it!

Anyway, Duche had something interesting happen in his life a year ago, and I think Chris Plekenpol (it took me the whole weekend to learn how to pronounce his last name) was the one telling the story; he was involved, after all. Long story short, a girl whose mom heard Duche speak in the Dawson State Jail told her daughter to contact him, Duche invited her to an I Am Second event that just so happened to be in Lubbock, TX (where the girl lived), and the girl accepted Christ. It's really an awesome story, and you can read it here.

When the conference concluded Saturday night, I was exhausted and still had to get up early the next morning to go do prison ministry at Dawson (yes, the same one). Several factors seemed to push against me to keep me from going. My friends from my small group, Krysta and Ambrel, had accidentally missed the sign-up, the girl who was going to take me, Katie, had a family emergency come up that night, Jenny, the other girl who knew how to get to Dawson, was too exhausted to go (my small group leader Ashley was, too, but I didn't find that out until later), and the one girl left who could've ridden with me, Rand, woke up feeling sick. Battling a strong desire to crawl back into bed, I got myself ready to go to Dawson anyway (I had my own truck with me), and by the grace of God I made it there with enough time to eat a Poptart before we had to go in. I found people I recognized and stuck with them through security and the debriefing process, quickly recognizing that Karen Green was with us and learning that she just so happened to be the first speaker on the floor I was going to (there are ten floors in Dawson).

Our groups were separated, and the room cleared rapidly as I waited for my floor (the tenth and last) to be called. Then everyone in my group was given five small New Testaments to hand out to the prisoners, and we were split into pairs of one I Am Second person each. I didn't like having to separate from the people I knew, but that later resulted in a big personal step for me.

As we branched off to our pods, my ministry partner and I gave an introduction, and I struggled to start conversation with the prisoners on my side of the room. In the nick of time, Ms. Green walked in to give her speech. Her testimony rang true with most, if not all, the women in the room, and there was much excitement. Before she left, she said we volunteers were there to help them and that they should talk to us, and when that door closed to announce her departure, a single woman beckoned me over to her, and a crowd gathered there. I handed out the pamphlets we'd been given to lead discussion groups, and we all went through the questions that covered what everyone believed faith-wise. I soon discovered I was in a faith-based pod, and my confidence grew. I continued to read through the verses and eventually reached the prayer of salvation. At that point, the pod door opened, and my partner and I were beckoned out and told we were going to make sandwiches for lunch. Neither of us wanted to go, nor did anyone else on our floor. We all felt something amazing was going to happen with our groups. Our floor leader graciously told us if we were compelled to go back to our pods, we should, and they'd find someone else to make our lunch.

Upon returning, my group reassembled, and I wasn't sure what to do since we'd reached the prayer of salvation...in a faith-based pod. But I asked if there was anyone who wanted to rededicate their lives to Jesus, and Zeeri, the most spunky of all of them, piped up, "Sure, I'll rededicate my life to Jesus. I need to, anyway." Nine other women followed her. We prayed the prayer, and all the women set their ID cards down on the table so that I could copy their names and prison numbers for reference. Up until lunch time, I chatted with a few of the women and learned of their shocking life stories which were practically verbatim of Karen Green's story.

When we were finally called to lunch, I felt drowsiness seep into me yet again, and I relished in a few moments of familiarity as I sat and ate quietly with people I knew. Then I heard someone say something about switching pods, and I woke up. I hadn't said a proper goodbye to the women I'd just met, and I wasn't going to leave that way. I wanted to go back. I talked to my leader and requested to stay in my pod, and she said of course I could and that she was quite sure no one on our floor wanted to switch anyway. I headed back with renewed strength, and I realized that I had two options: I could converse for the next three hours, or I could *gasp* lead a small group. On Saturday, I'd had a little practice with that, but since I was with familiar friends (the alliteration is for emphasis) who knew the small group drill already, I didn't feel like I'd accomplished anything. As it turned out, that practice spilled over into my final three hours at Dawson, and I learned that I actually did have leadership qualities. When it came down to leading a group of people I didn't know, I really felt like we were making some sort of progress, because I was teaching them something, even if it was as simple as how to lead a small group on their own. In conclusion, I led two small groups in those three hours, and I'm now considering leading my own I Am Second small group someday.

I don't know if you got this impression, but I feel like I've just written a letter to Princess Celestia from My Little Pony. Anyway, I'd like to end this blog post with a little inspirational conversation I had with Amber, one of the inmates. While I was doing a small group with her, she seemed hesitant to give her answers, because she felt that her answers would be wrong. So after our group, I pulled her aside and told her that she doesn't have to be a "professional" Christian. God is still going to love you no matter what. And I asked her, "Did I look like I knew what I was doing when I first walked in here?" She responded, "You looked nervous." Exactly. So I urge all of you Christians, whether you're new in the belief or you've grown up with faith, don't feel like God's judging you if you don't have all the answers. Search the Bible or talk to a mentor if you want, but personally I believe God wants some things to be a mystery so that we never run out of opportunities to learn or have faith. For example, I didn't know what the purpose of attending a leadership conference with friends was until I led a small group with strangers.